i feel like i'm dieing.i dont want to be like this for ever.i wish i could take someything,do something or be someplace where all this doesn't matter.i wish i could be some one else,be someplace else and see other people who are happy and wont hurt me with any thing.i want to be alone.just me.just my thoughts and sorrow.all my pain put into a jar and thrown into the ocean.i want to be normal.simple and happy.away from all this shit that i'm sure wants me dead.i wish i was not so selfish,but i must be.i have to want better for me.if i dont.i'll die.

its been sugested that i also seek angermanagement.though i feelt ambushed at theropy when it was sugested in the first place.mel made it seem that i was abusive.at least thats how i felt.im not.''what abot the bruses on my arms she said,i was stunned because on the day of the incident she/we laughed aboout it later.ok you had a bruse,how about the teeth marks on my arm and chest that has yet to go away? how about my blood that leeked outa my chest.all i did was grab you.ok maybe it was the wrong thing to do.but all i wanted was for you tostand and face me.not leave and leave me haning.i did want to beat you,or hurt you.i asked her right there and then are you afraid of me? she said no.so on our way home,i asked again.she said no.then she said how she did not like how the theropist sugested anger amnagement for me and not for her.am i crazy here or did i just get screwed?i dont know.maybe i do need it.idid say i'd go for that as long as it would make her feel safe,so i will.anything to get help.

today we went to couples theropy.wow.there was one second where i just started to cry.without any warning.my tears just exploded out of me.i felt so vulnerable and some how releaved to finaly cry out of sadness and not out of sheer anger.and my wife rubbed my back as i cried into my hands.it was the first sign of comfort i have had from her insome time.we talked about why we are there and so forth and so on.and i'm hopeing this works.i can see where it can.i hope we can reep all the benefits this can bring.i love you baby.

so yesterday we had an arguement that seemed less like the typical arguments we ususaly have had.i believe shes afraid of geting devorced.i guess for the exact same reasons why i do.the drastic change in lifestyle would be very hard at this point.so why do the things she does? i dont know,i just want to undertsand what seems un undertsandable.i feel like i have an ancor around my heart.i feel heavy and angry.she views me as lazy,lazy yet iam the single one suporting her and she wants for nothing.yet i do.i want for so much more.god will you send me a better situation? will you give us a clean slate and fill me with love once again,the kind of love that wont hurt so much? maybe every one who eventualy reads these lines think me a foolbut is it really foolish to love unconditionaly? i do say it is a fools heart that loves unwisely.iam unwise,blind,foolish.yes but so very much in love.in this i swear never to love like this again if i do not recover from these dark days.i just want to be quiet.

today i found a six month old picture of my wife kissing another man.it was taken in december 23rd 05.the bad thing is,is that its in my house.she never disposed of it.which makes me wonder how much shes still tied emotionaly to this man.i know she is not so emotinaly tied to me anymore.i want to go to theropy on a promis i made to myself.and for me i can say i want to follow through with the right thing to do.but,i dont think we will be saved from all this.i more now than ever,believe theres just too much emotinal damage here.iam in love with some one who clearly is no longer in love with me.she stays basicly because it is convinient to.so maybe things should not be so cinvinient for her any more.its ideal to have my son here with me.but i no longer believe her as i should,no longer feel as i did,no longer trust as i have.so i think its the begining of our end.