so.mel decides to invite a friend over.mind you a friend that at some point asked if he could sleep with her.though she refused him i cant help but think,that he is not still yet trying.so what do i do/ i lose it.i drive like a maniac and lose it.i start a fight or one started and i say how much i hate her and how much i'd like to hurt her.damn.so i guess we have broken up.officialy.she said shes leaveing.this is not working well.and i'm tired of the bull.all the bull.i have to say to myself how much she dont really love me.though she clames to.she doesn't.man i love that girl.but she is actualy the worst for me.she'll never be happy,and i wont be happy as long as she wont change.so why do i miss her already? because i know.i really know how painful and hollow it will be inside of me without her.but,it must be.it must be.

my theropist asked why was i there.because my wife cheated on me i said.and i started telling her the story.she said out loud whta i have been internaliseing all along.adiction.she sid it seems more like an adiction.shes right.is emotional adiction the same as love? iam emotionaly dependent on mel.and that cant be good.thats not love.i guess i love her underneith the adiction.but i am adicted.and i have to break free from that.i will continue the marriage theropy.sinc it has some time in it still.but,i know where this is going.i ant change her any more than i can say iam not adicted.so if she wont truely change,and the adiction continues.then whats at stake here is my integrity.i must maintain that.so that my son never ever has to see how weak one can be for someone who clearly is all wrong for them.

i have this sinking suspition that its not as over as she says it is between her lover and her.funny,she cant seem to see how much i love her.shes indiferent and yet she thinks the world for him.well.why should i be waisting my time here? i think the only reason shes still here is because thers no other place to go for her.well,i wont put her out on the street,though maybe she deserves that.but what do i have here really but a broken heart and a wife that loves a nother.though i carry in me love for her it si not the same as to say iam in love with her.i dont think i can love someone who clearly does not love me back.really who cares if she still feels for this guy.in the end all that will happenis that she'll make him hate her too.eventualy the only person she thinks of is her self,that will never change i guess.shes a bad person who does good things from time to time.so well i guess this is the begining of the endhere.she wont admit it but,i know its mutual.i bet some years from now shell come back and try agian with me.maybe by then i wont car to be with her any more.

well.she said she was afraid to leave becausse i'd fall apart.wow i guess she doesnt belive in my stength.she wants to go.i assume because she hates it here so much.she resents me.i guess the afair was because she wanted to see the grass and how green it really is on the other side.for all that just go.why does she has to prolong this/ i guess its in her best intrest.yet again manipulating and scmeamimg to get her way no doubt.well i guess i shall see what happens when the 9 sessions are done with.who knows what else she will say.

i have a billion questions and a billion more unanswered shit.well i think its becomeing a thingof pros and cons.i think the cons are winning.i dont think iam inlove any more.not like i used to be.so,i think divorce is iminant.what will happen come aug 9th? wow.