i cant seem to feel better.though there are days that are better than others,they all still have a tinge of pain. my theropist(god that sounds bad.) she says theres no way of avoiding whats coming. ive been thinking about giving up my oarental rights if it came down to a divorce. i dont want to see her agina,ever if that were to happen. it sux. suicide has also been on my mind alot. sad.so sad. wish things were better. i really do.

what has my life become.but being stuck in a house all the tiem.no where to go no place to be.lonelyness.and sadness.my son,is good company.but as far as that is concerned,thats it.mel once begged me to be able to see the world because she said she needed to see ppl her own age.so do i.how am i any different.she neglects.its what she does.some day i'll be away from all this.gone.maybe in a nother town with a nother name.i'm bored,and upset.

i'm not sure.im going to theropy for anger but,my depression is not being addressed.maybe i should bring it up.i'm sick.and the idea of killing myself is getting to be a burned.like a weight on me.wish i died.i'm too chicken shit to do my self.besides how would i do it? bullet in my head? haning? cutting my wrist in a tub of warm water? poisoning my self? i thought if i shoot myself i will wait till she comes home and do it in her presence.just to show her how fucked up i have become.but for what? just so she can go on living? thats no fare either. yesterdy.was the first day i did not miss her.i did not care if she was on the net for half the night.i did not care if she was out or not.i just did not care half as much.i cant wait for the day that she has no affect on me any more.i wish i was so in love with her.wish i could turn it off.

i cant keep thinking that everything that my wife does has some sort of sexual agenda to it that i dont know.i cant see her as she used to be.shes not as she was any more to me.miss trust i guess.i never had misstrusted some one so bad,yet loved them so much.iam still in love with her.but cant love her like i would like to.i'm sure she doesn't love me any more.that really hurts.in theropy the question of dateing came up.in honesty i cant date.not sure if i want to any how.she said shes not even thinking of that.i dont know what shes thinking.all i know is that wether or not she aware,she hurts me everyday with that nonshelaunt atitude.maybe its her age.i'm sure i was like that once.god will she ever see? will she ever really see?

i dont know exactly how i can explain what i feel.but i feel unhinged i guess.i dont know how to hold on.its not stress,i know how that feels to me.its more like being at the verge,all the time.i want to just die.end all this shit and go.fuck it all.fuck it.i'm not too sure whats going to happen to me.or whats happened all ready.i'm different.and i cant seem to change that.i did not want this.but i got it.and all are happy except me.