ihave thought of suicide.lately its not as strong as it has been in the past.but,i was thinking about telling someone today.i wanted to tell my theropist but our time ran out.it always does.so whats going to happen here. to me to us? i love her that deep.but i'm too much of a coward to pull the fucking trigger. and to much of a fool to let her know cuz all she'd do is run.

i'm sure that ppl whoread this would say,why is he still with that woman.could it be becuase i dont think i can do better? whats better.at this point anything i guess. what i dont want is some rebound chick.i dont want to sleep with someone meaninglessly.i dont want some woman trying to push herself in my life,as is i have enough of that. i ust dont think i'm ready,and to be honest i just dont want that type of shit in my life again. i'm the provideing type.but i dont want to get used up again.i nurcher but i dont want some one sucking me dry of my resorces.i just want some one who loves me.some one who cares enough that even if they hurt me they would be sorry and find ways to make it up. shes stil here.and i'm still in love.why? because love knows no bounds.and that sux.because love should. this isn't healthy. i wonder if i go will she even give a shit.from the looks of it she wont.so why stay?

i broke down at theropy and said that if its over i dont want to see my wife again.i couldnt help it.i'm confused and hurt and angry and prety much broken...but,foolishly i'm hopeful.is it what ive been praying for? is it because the great spirit is guiding my heart as i have asked? i came hoem,and mel came later.she was not angry but told me some things that i found surpriseing. she said.''i dont know how to help you'' i told her that i gues i need to help me..then,she said.that she wont give up if i dont..and that there is something still here,that we just have to find it.rediscover each other..my jaw almost dropped.because here i am thinking she didn't care.does she? or is she just saying what i want to hear? all i know is simple.dispite all this.even in my darkest anger toward her.i still love that women.i want to fight the good fight.

so i was told once that i must have been a saint because of all the good iv done for people.i thought they were idiots to even think that. yeah me the saint,with all ive done i'm sure god wants me in heaven. but,then today my best friend told me about how i have affected him. his life,the impact ive had. and though i'm far from good.i can see why i can be seen as good. i was told that being nurtureing can be easy for people to take advantage of me. i was also told to do me for a change. i should. how many men have done what i have done.manyy to some but not enuff to say all.so even in the many i am a rareity. all these good men are.all that have stood for family,hope,and good will.all that took the shit whenit was esier to beat the shit outa some one.all of them the hundreds in the face of billions.were rare,and we deserve respect.

to day i played hooky from theropy to go to the museum with my wife and son.needless to say we got there too late.istead of haveing a bad atitude about it we decided to go and have a bite to eat. afterwords we walked out with smiles on our faces and my wife actualy grabbed my arm.she wrapped hers around mine.my heart flooded with love. and i smilled and told her.you just made my day.then we headed out to visit with her sick mother in the hospital.her mom embraced me and told me that what ever happens with me and my wife (her daughter) that shed still want me to call her and keep in touch.i nearly cried. iwas touched. of course this perfect day would be tarnished with some bull shit.on the way back home we got into a discusion about what i should study in school and stuff.trivial but i stood my ground in my opinion.then she did something so beautyful,she pressed her lips on my shoulder and whispered in a sweet voice.'' dont be a jerk'' i smiled. and said what you see as me being a jerk may be me defending my self. she smiled and we werent angry any more. i love her,even when she drives me insane. man i wish we would not seperate.