i have tried to trust only to have it stuffed back down my throat.who am i kidding,why do i love this woman dispite her obvious problems.here i find my self horeing out my intentions to others,planning dates with people to fuck them and then never folowing through.i guess its because deep inside the only person i love is her,the only person i will ever love is her.i cant get her affection so,i try and gain a sexual affection with others only to realise that even that i cant do without some how loseing whats left of me.last night i began to think.why am i so angry? why am i so up set over this longshore loser that seems to have invaded my love? simple.she does or has done things with him that she wont and dont do with me.she has made it her business to try and win his affection but refuses to be affectionate toward me.why do i love her?why do i care.its obvious that either he used her or is no longer intrested because i'm sure if he was she'd be with him and not me..simple,every man loves his country.when he has no country he loves his family.when he has no family left he loves his woman and when a man,a nother man steps into that its an invasion of the loyalty of that man.in many ways its like invadeing ones country.one begins to want to fight.it is an act of war..and now this is war.here i believed her when she told me he was just a guy in her class and he did not know that she ''liked'' him.its all bullshit,always was.he is a teacher,he should know better,he is my enemy.

iam as confused as always.something is happening.i dont want to look too deeply into this,but...things have been good.i cnat say its perfect,but its good.iam trying to keep an open mond.but iam also keeping my gaurd up.lets see where this goes.its hard.