when i ask if you would feel hurt if i cheated on you.i want to hear yes! it would devistate me.i would hate you.and if you hurt me this way,it would crush me so badly.what i hear is,i would understand.i dont want to cheat.i dont want any one else.and i dont want to end all this just cuz i feel a moment of fustration.i'm probably doing all the wrong things.maybe i should start to do the oposit of what i'm thinking.that has got to be the right thing.loveing you is all i know how to do.dispite all thats happened.and its also the scariets thing to do,because it involves trust.i guess you will have to trust me you say.but if i give,if i do will you hurt me? if i give you this trust that i protect will you then take it for granted and hurt me? i would miss you one hundred times what i miss you today if you were to go.and i miss you something terrible.will i ever wake up and see your smileing face again? will i wake up and fall in your arms and sigh that its all over,all the pain,all the fear all the hurt? will i ever see an end to the war? tantra says that i have to see the sky,not the clouds.i do see your sky,dispite the clouds.dispite the storm your blue and beautiful.as wide as eternity.and you are for ever.i just have to get out of the clouds.

im venting she says.its good for me i'm told.i hate feeling like i have no control,like i'm a whineing brat.i'm 33.33! i dont want o feel like a loser any more.i want to love and be loved.to learn,i want to see a better day.i want such simple things.in a city so full,how is it that one can still be so alone? i want peace.its all i ever wanted in the past and all i want now.if only i could reach her.with my words alone.i love that woman,a love like this is once in a life time.and if you ge it twice,then you have got to be a saint.

slowly truth coms out i guess.my truth hers,well.maybe in the end i will go.its not the end yet.i'm thinking that maybe i should have left when it all came out.why did i stay? i have learned that never agin will i allow this kind of crap in my life.no matter what.i forgave.and that was generous enough.but,i think that next time i will have to preserve my self better.i know that sounds selfish.but i think i deserve some selfishness here.its so stupid.and feelings are to valuable to be undermined.the hurt comes from the beliefe that we were a family.and you never expect hurt like this from family.but its true what they say.''family will hurts you the most.''i love my wife even after all this.but i gotta love me more.

i'm angry.am i angry at my wife? am i angry at her because i want revenge? am i angry because i dont know what to do? i dont know,really...i'm just angry.what do i do with it? i write with it.write songs with it.poetry with it.i do my best with it.all that anger.so i'm writeing this with it.so who cares? i do.i'm angry.