dear mel.what am i saying here.am i saying anything that matters to any one any longer? i have done all i could.and yet there is more to do.behind my limits there is a chance.i wrote you a letter so elaborate and beautyful but,with a click of a button.i had erased its existance.so what does it matter? i wanted to tell you.that i know,i know about the 119 you spent or so on a mebership to the gym. it was not free.not for me at least.i know that jay is still a part of you.because you still alow it.you fell in love.so,you call it.love is not lust mel.love is not a hotel room and lies,nore is it a show and a salad.love is not false connections between your genitals and your heart.love is loveing you though you have hurt me.love is worry when your not home even if you dont care to be.love is telling aaron that you'll be home soon because thats all he cares about,even when i knew you was with him.love made me look the other way,and gave you benefit of doubt.but the doubt is no longer is it? there is no mistakeing a person who clearly is not good for me.love is realiseing that cold hard fact.and yet i still oove you,as i did when you first walked into temples childrens lobby nad shook my life into what it is today.i know that you are jelous when other women get near him.and its not you.maybe you can apreciate that feeling,because i feel it every day.i love everything about you and for you to say i dont see you,or that i dont know you is a slap in my face.i do see you.and know you.i know you will never change,ever.so i decided to love you.love you dispite my anger,dispite yourself.no one can change that.not even him.i will go away.you will get over me,if you havent already and one day,you will see that what i am writeing here will always be.i love you.so i'll let you go.not for hate.nore for revenge.but because of love.i dont know exactly what will become of us.but i do know tat what ever happends you cant doubt how much my little butterfly i do love you.i let you take advantage of me.let you use me.let you use my money anyway you wanted because ther was trust here.no longer.maybe you will come to understand that i never ment any harm.i just wanted us to be together for ever and be happy.some where we lost all that,that dream of hawaii and weding there.i still can see the blue water swaying past your feetand the white dress you said you would wear.i still see the crown of flowers that i placed on your head and the briliance in your smile that the sun had kissed that morning.i feel the sun on my back and smell the grassy hills that suround us and as we say our i do's all i know is that life is worth liveing.i see us later that day makeing love on the beach that we rented so that we be the only ones for miles around.it still lives inside me mel.that dream.the fcat is you cheated on me.and that poisened me.but it did not kill me.nore did it kill my love for you.but it did make me see a side of you that i did not belive.a side of you that is flawed and weak.a side that you have to live with for ever.but i dont have to.i never was weak you see.i dont ever have to prove my love for you.beacuse with all i was put through with you by you and for you.i have proven myself.i am a good man.you will learn the value of that.remember this.''if they do it with you,the will do it to you.'' so be careful and chose wisely the ones you love because, there reflections of you.i cant begin to tell you all the things i see from my point of view.all of which in some time would not mean anything to anyone.so,i think now is the time for growth.a time for real understanding.as i said,i love you.but love is not enough to some.some want more.some want to be the ones in control of a nother humanbeing simply becasue they can.tyrants never last.time passes and so do they.but what does last is hope.love.mercy. i have mercy mel.lots of it.i also have love and compassion.so why am i saying this? because in the end,would you have found anyone else that could love you more for the purest of reasons? i think you lie even when faced with absolute truth.because you fear truth. you fear it because it doesn't discriminate nore seek your aproval.its strong and asks nothing in return.it has no hiden vested intrest in the welth of others.it is simple.truth is your face.its your heart.its the voice in your head that you will never drown out no matter how hard you try.it is the fealing in your heart that reminds you of all the things you hide from every one.maybe you will read this and find it trivial.laughable.but some day,when these words are forgot even from your mind.your heart will remember.thruth is that memory.i wonder of corse who you are.i'm not sure i know.i thought i did.and now i dont know.if i were to say without any bias at all i'd say you are a person whos out for themselves.the hell with everyone else.but,theres thats no way to live.thats not living because all you end up doi is pushing good people out of your life.the people that matter the most.the ones hwo for you will lay down and give there lives if it ment to make you happy,safe,and well.how can you have such loyalty at your grasps and
just hurt that? we all do things we dont understand at the time only to regret later.you dont have to be like the rest mel.you dont have to learn life lessons from suffering and loss.as i have.i dont wish to devorce you.its because i am devoted to you. you must understand that i dont wish you ill,nore harm.but i do wish you serenity and some clarity as to what you want out of me. wat exactly do you wish for me? did you want to be involved with some one else and for me to never care,nore react? is that realistic? fare? did you wish that i had found someone else and leave you? would that have made it easier for you? well.i never gad intensions to leave.never.even when you thought i would i never did.you have to to understand that this was not done to just me but to our son as well.you shook his stability selfishly. iam no saint. i dont pretend that iam.but i would never have done what you do to me.even still today.iwont do that.why? not because i cant but because still today i think about how that would or could hurt you,and that hurts me.this is the biggest hurt i have ever felt.or known.the only thing worse would be loseing you to death.i dont want you to think that i hate you.i really dont.i love you so deeply i sometimes come to tears just thinking that i am in the outside of your heart.and your still in mine.this has been the biggest fight for what i belive in.inever faught so hard for anyone.i never grieved for any one as i do you.maybe you'll read this and think i'm crazy.love can make one crazy.i'm sorry if i seem to be.but i am inlove with my wife like any other man would.i love you so much,even when you dont feel the same.or when you push me away.even when you are distant and cold i still love you very much.my beautyful baby.my cinimonstick,my butterfly.my great and adoreing precious woman.my joy.my life.my love.my love. i think to my self and wonder what it would be like had i had been the one who was as you are toward me.or how you've been. i recal you asking me to toss out a picture i had some time ago of a girl i knew once.you felt thretened,so i did as well and i did toss the picture. what i mean to say is that i had my mistakes but i tried to keep them to a minimal,and i did all i could to make you happy.i should have realized something was wrong when you said you were not jelouse at all if i spoke to girls or what ever you told israel.jelosey is an indicater of someone trying to protect what they love.when there is no jelousy,is there love? lets face it my love.you mistreated me,lied to me,and used me as you wanted.for god sakes i'm your husband.not your buddy,i'm your family,not just some guy you share a house with,i'm abe.not a stranger.and i love you like i cant express.am i beating a dead horse here? am i wrong in any of this? i love you baby.for ever.

ihave thought of suicide.lately its not as strong as it has been in the past.but,i was thinking about telling someone today.i wanted to tell my theropist but our time ran out.it always does.so whats going to happen here. to me to us? i love her that deep.but i'm too much of a coward to pull the fucking trigger. and to much of a fool to let her know cuz all she'd do is run.

i'm sure that ppl whoread this would say,why is he still with that woman.could it be becuase i dont think i can do better? whats better.at this point anything i guess. what i dont want is some rebound chick.i dont want to sleep with someone meaninglessly.i dont want some woman trying to push herself in my life,as is i have enough of that. i ust dont think i'm ready,and to be honest i just dont want that type of shit in my life again. i'm the provideing type.but i dont want to get used up again.i nurcher but i dont want some one sucking me dry of my resorces.i just want some one who loves me.some one who cares enough that even if they hurt me they would be sorry and find ways to make it up. shes stil here.and i'm still in love.why? because love knows no bounds.and that sux.because love should. this isn't healthy. i wonder if i go will she even give a shit.from the looks of it she wont.so why stay?

i broke down at theropy and said that if its over i dont want to see my wife again.i couldnt help it.i'm confused and hurt and angry and prety much broken...but,foolishly i'm hopeful.is it what ive been praying for? is it because the great spirit is guiding my heart as i have asked? i came hoem,and mel came later.she was not angry but told me some things that i found surpriseing. she said.''i dont know how to help you'' i told her that i gues i need to help me..then,she said.that she wont give up if i dont..and that there is something still here,that we just have to find it.rediscover each other..my jaw almost dropped.because here i am thinking she didn't care.does she? or is she just saying what i want to hear? all i know is simple.dispite all this.even in my darkest anger toward her.i still love that women.i want to fight the good fight.

so i was told once that i must have been a saint because of all the good iv done for people.i thought they were idiots to even think that. yeah me the saint,with all ive done i'm sure god wants me in heaven. but,then today my best friend told me about how i have affected him. his life,the impact ive had. and though i'm far from good.i can see why i can be seen as good. i was told that being nurtureing can be easy for people to take advantage of me. i was also told to do me for a change. i should. how many men have done what i have done.manyy to some but not enuff to say all.so even in the many i am a rareity. all these good men are.all that have stood for family,hope,and good will.all that took the shit whenit was esier to beat the shit outa some one.all of them the hundreds in the face of billions.were rare,and we deserve respect.