its a funny feeling.maybe one i wil not go through.but its a comfort like no other.it seems right,an answer.just an answer. its not like you just go and do it.its something thought about for days.and the only thing that keeps you grounded is the thought of hurting others.what will they do? what will they think of me,if they even think of me.is it worth ending it all over her? no....but that voice keeps asking.keeps sugesting that a bullet is all it takes.its fast and painless.one bullet to the temple,or in the mouth.one bullet is all it is.maybe a hot bath with split wrists is better.less mess,and all you do is fall asleep.c'mon he says.its easy.do it.make them pay something.its all right who wold blame you? who would.who would.

so.mel decides to invite a friend over.mind you a friend that at some point asked if he could sleep with her.though she refused him i cant help but think,that he is not still yet trying.so what do i do/ i lose it.i drive like a maniac and lose it.i start a fight or one started and i say how much i hate her and how much i'd like to hurt her.damn.so i guess we have broken up.officialy.she said shes leaveing.this is not working well.and i'm tired of the bull.all the bull.i have to say to myself how much she dont really love me.though she clames to.she doesn't.man i love that girl.but she is actualy the worst for me.she'll never be happy,and i wont be happy as long as she wont change.so why do i miss her already? because i know.i really know how painful and hollow it will be inside of me without her.but,it must be.it must be.

my theropist asked why was i there.because my wife cheated on me i said.and i started telling her the story.she said out loud whta i have been internaliseing all along.adiction.she sid it seems more like an adiction.shes right.is emotional adiction the same as love? iam emotionaly dependent on mel.and that cant be good.thats not love.i guess i love her underneith the adiction.but i am adicted.and i have to break free from that.i will continue the marriage theropy.sinc it has some time in it still.but,i know where this is going.i ant change her any more than i can say iam not adicted.so if she wont truely change,and the adiction continues.then whats at stake here is my integrity.i must maintain that.so that my son never ever has to see how weak one can be for someone who clearly is all wrong for them.