today we went to couples theropy.wow.there was one second where i just started to cry.without any warning.my tears just exploded out of me.i felt so vulnerable and some how releaved to finaly cry out of sadness and not out of sheer anger.and my wife rubbed my back as i cried into my hands.it was the first sign of comfort i have had from her insome time.we talked about why we are there and so forth and so on.and i'm hopeing this works.i can see where it can.i hope we can reep all the benefits this can bring.i love you baby.

so yesterday we had an arguement that seemed less like the typical arguments we ususaly have had.i believe shes afraid of geting devorced.i guess for the exact same reasons why i do.the drastic change in lifestyle would be very hard at this point.so why do the things she does? i dont know,i just want to undertsand what seems un undertsandable.i feel like i have an ancor around my heart.i feel heavy and angry.she views me as lazy,lazy yet iam the single one suporting her and she wants for nothing.yet i do.i want for so much more.god will you send me a better situation? will you give us a clean slate and fill me with love once again,the kind of love that wont hurt so much? maybe every one who eventualy reads these lines think me a foolbut is it really foolish to love unconditionaly? i do say it is a fools heart that loves unwisely.iam unwise,blind,foolish.yes but so very much in love.in this i swear never to love like this again if i do not recover from these dark days.i just want to be quiet.

today i found a six month old picture of my wife kissing another man.it was taken in december 23rd 05.the bad thing is,is that its in my house.she never disposed of it.which makes me wonder how much shes still tied emotionaly to this man.i know she is not so emotinaly tied to me anymore.i want to go to theropy on a promis i made to myself.and for me i can say i want to follow through with the right thing to do.but,i dont think we will be saved from all this.i more now than ever,believe theres just too much emotinal damage here.iam in love with some one who clearly is no longer in love with me.she stays basicly because it is convinient to.so maybe things should not be so cinvinient for her any more.its ideal to have my son here with me.but i no longer believe her as i should,no longer feel as i did,no longer trust as i have.so i think its the begining of our end.

strange,mel was acting strange when i got home.well she had a smerk on her face.the same smerk that she uses when nervous.the same one she cracked when i asked if she had been cheating on me.i think she is still talking to dude.i will devorce her if she still is.

i hope we can work this out.i hope seeing a pro will heal us and make things clear.i hope iam not being lied to any more than i already have been.i hope all the truths come out so that i may take the apropriate steps to healing and getting my life backk on a track of normacy(what ever that is)my intentions are clear.go see a theropist and if the lies keep comeing back and i see that this is going no where then i am getting a divorce.this is in my book the last chance for us.no more compramises,no more forgiveing.no more acting as if i dont see the obvious.this is the end or this is a new begining.