so,our second session of theropy.and i felt i was stiffled.as if all i wanted to say was not said.shit.i'm not so sure any more i want this relationship.i'm notso sure it will work.her track record is something to think about.i dont want to be influenced though.not at all.i love her,but am i still in love with her? i just want to be happy and as i see it i'm not very happy now.who knows what the next day will be like.but today,its very sad.

i cant love as i did.know i'm loveing with my brains.if things dont change i'm gone.because if i saty in this as is.i will always be hurt by her.she has to change.if not i have to go.

some one told me i should try and start to create to turn a negative into a positive.so i started write songs.i can think in melody so its easy for me.all these songs are directed toward my wife.obviously this woman inspires good in me and also bad.so i guess shes here to teach me.i'm learning.who knows where we are headed.all i know is its going to be a rough ride.something good has to come of all this.i will continue theropy and song writeing.maybe i'll record them on a cd and perform.its all good if that happends.i want her to really undertsand what it is that i feel.not to take it for granted,and to see what damages are done.so that maybe if we remain or split up she will never forget how messed up things get when love is left out of the equation of two people who suposed to be in love.

i feel like i'm dieing.i dont want to be like this for ever.i wish i could take someything,do something or be someplace where all this doesn't matter.i wish i could be some one else,be someplace else and see other people who are happy and wont hurt me with any thing.i want to be alone.just me.just my thoughts and sorrow.all my pain put into a jar and thrown into the ocean.i want to be normal.simple and happy.away from all this shit that i'm sure wants me dead.i wish i was not so selfish,but i must be.i have to want better for me.if i dont.i'll die.

its been sugested that i also seek angermanagement.though i feelt ambushed at theropy when it was sugested in the first place.mel made it seem that i was abusive.at least thats how i felt.im not.''what abot the bruses on my arms she said,i was stunned because on the day of the incident she/we laughed aboout it later.ok you had a bruse,how about the teeth marks on my arm and chest that has yet to go away? how about my blood that leeked outa my chest.all i did was grab you.ok maybe it was the wrong thing to do.but all i wanted was for you tostand and face me.not leave and leave me haning.i did want to beat you,or hurt you.i asked her right there and then are you afraid of me? she said no.so on our way home,i asked again.she said no.then she said how she did not like how the theropist sugested anger amnagement for me and not for her.am i crazy here or did i just get screwed?i dont know.maybe i do need it.idid say i'd go for that as long as it would make her feel safe,so i will.anything to get help.