so i guess we are at the verge of a divorce.not that i want that but it looms over us like an unwelcomed spector.my heart is totaly broken yet in its resilience,i feel the tinge of hope and love.am i delusional? am i realy that stupid that i cant see how i have been used and how it may continue no matter how i beg? does it take loseing me for her to see how much i truely love her? i'm holding on,but to what exactly? hope. i hope she changes.cuz i know i have.i hope she sees whats right in front of her.i hope she lets me in to her heart and stop these foolish lies.i hope to love her even when she does not love me any more.this is not love.this is madness.i know shes hurt,all be it differently than me.will i ever truely know? will she ever show me her truest heart? will i lose my son,home,and respect some how? how can someone i love so much damage me so deeply and act as if its all ok? i am scared.i just want her to be happy.with or without me.

I don't jump to conclusions.I actually have a very keen mind and good instincts.I see things for what ther are and,if i dont get the truth.I can peace together a picture of whats going on with what little you give me.I should have been in the C.I.A.My wife admitted to haveing and affair.Something I had long suspected.It devastated me to the core.I look back and realise that it was not so much the actual affair that hurt Me,though I must say that particular piece of knowledge has a pain of it's own.It was the reasons behind the affair that hurt the most.Reasons that aren't so very clear yet but i have pieced together my own ''conclusion'' as to why.This was a sexual attraction that lead to possible love.When that love or misunderstanding of love did not mature and grow,it died out.My wife hurt me.She has in my eyes broken a trust that only she had and only she can have.I trusted her with every thing,I have told her things about Me that no one else can know.I trusted her with My time,My life and My heart.So she felt she could not come to Me and tell me what she had done.She lost sleep over this Iam told.She became depressed,withdrawn from me,cold,andstrange.I faught back as best as I could.Yet the more i faught,the more it seemed that she was looking for some way out of our relationship,out of this trouble.So o strated to piece things together,she'd come hoe late,she would pick at me for small stuff.she lost sexual desire for me she was apathetic toward me.I knew my marrage was in trouble but I also believed she was going to come around and things will be better and that she needed space.I gave her all those things andit did not work.The affair persisted.By the time i had mustered the curage to flat out ask it had already been done and over with.(so i hope)I blame her for this yes I do but,I also blame My self.I know where to place the proper blame.She could have come to Me and told Me.I would have been sick but I would have understood.I understand the desire to be loved because i desire her love for Me.I understand excitement and the rush one gets when you sneek around and do naughty things.I also uderstand the heart break it all comes with,the guilt,the self hate.See,i have been where she is,or rather was.I have hurt people in the past and in turn i have been hurt.What makes this different is that when I went through it,no one asked me why,what were your reasons? All I got was how hated i was how cruel and terrible i was and though i had done cruel and terrible things I was far from being actualy a cruel and terrible person.I was shut out and put out and thrown away.She finaly admited to me what she had done. It wasn't easy to do,nore was it easy to hear or take.But I did something I both knew I could do but never really thought I would do.I forgave her. I still struggle with this,parts of me thingk maybe I should be cheating on her and maybe I should.She didn't care about Me when she was doing her thing,so why not do her in too? Because.It would fill Me with giult.The same giult that kept her from sleeping.That broke her out in acne.The same giult that Mde her cold and distant and scraed to tell Me anything.I dont want that for my self.I dont want that for any one.Shes punished by some one she cant hide from already.Herself.She has to come to terms with that. So for those of you who will read this.Dont leave coments that are rude or judgemental.I have hur enough,and this is a way i cope with the pain.Its my alcohal.And if you ever read this baby,I love you.Lets fix this mess together.

baby.when i look at you.i see so much.i see what i want to see for ever.every thing has changed though.and i fear that,i cant keep a hold of your heart.i love to love you.always.i just fear its over for you.in my mind i will always be in heaven with you smileing at me.but,are you gone.will you return? am i waiting for kingdom come? will you ever kiss me the way you did,love me and hold me like you did once.so long ago.love with you was complete.love was such a warm and safe place for me.and i would do anything to hold your atention.hold your love and hope.if only you could see me inside.maybe youd under stand.dream and live within my soul.

i have tried to trust only to have it stuffed back down my throat.who am i kidding,why do i love this woman dispite her obvious problems.here i find my self horeing out my intentions to others,planning dates with people to fuck them and then never folowing through.i guess its because deep inside the only person i love is her,the only person i will ever love is her.i cant get her affection so,i try and gain a sexual affection with others only to realise that even that i cant do without some how loseing whats left of me.last night i began to think.why am i so angry? why am i so up set over this longshore loser that seems to have invaded my love? simple.she does or has done things with him that she wont and dont do with me.she has made it her business to try and win his affection but refuses to be affectionate toward me.why do i love her?why do i care.its obvious that either he used her or is no longer intrested because i'm sure if he was she'd be with him and not me..simple,every man loves his country.when he has no country he loves his family.when he has no family left he loves his woman and when a man,a nother man steps into that its an invasion of the loyalty of that man.in many ways its like invadeing ones country.one begins to want to fight.it is an act of war..and now this is war.here i believed her when she told me he was just a guy in her class and he did not know that she ''liked'' him.its all bullshit,always was.he is a teacher,he should know better,he is my enemy.