Mel. There are a few things I can say;let alone write. Deep in me there is still a place for you.yet,I don't know what exactly it is for.I feel many things,all of which only bring up my desperate feelings of loss.I lost my family Mel,and I wonder if that has any affect on you? I never wanted this,not this for any reason.I wish I had all the perfect words but,the world isn't perfect.nor is it fare.You can read all my blogs,and see the scrambled mess my mind was just this past year. I'm happy you have found completeness in your work,and in your self.I just don't think that it should have cost you or me any of this grief.I hope that the good bread will continue to be good to you. I hope that in our separation,life can become livable for me,and clear to you.I still hope that we can become one again,and if we never were,that we can be.We should be happy.And I should learn to let you go. Its not that I don't wish you to be happy,its that my happiness was synonymous to you.In my want for a better tomorrow,I fear if this would bring an end to today. I love you.I have for a million years I have.But I have to go.I cant keep hurting my son this way,and I cant expect you to love someone as angry as I am.The last time we had an argument Aaron asked me to stop.I was honest when I told him that I was sorry for putting him through this,and I am.I am ashamed of my lack of control and lack of stability toward you and My greatest works of art.My boy.I cant continue like this.So I go. Me.
icant imagine 07 being anything like 06.here i have 365 days to make things right.365 chances.so far6 have gone by and so far i have a changed look on things. i cant see being suportaive to some one who doesnt deserve that support.but i cant see me being anything other than a good person.i wont be taken again.but i wont be so bitter.there are clearly things i must do to shape this whole mess into a psitive outcome.so,be angry if you want..but dont lose focus on whats needed.
so whats going on? shes workinga new job and seems to be happy,i'm atempting to move on and want to be happy. so i will.meet new people,fall for a nice girl.laugh for a change. shes not as inbeted in me as she once was.i miss her.still love her.but,and thers always a ''but'' i can see detaching from her.i can see geting an apartment and moveing on,i can see going to school and trying for me,for once.
every thing has its sereal feel to it.familiarity is strange now,and strangers feel familiar.what exactly has happend to me.am i just existing? i know i hear ''its not about you.'' am i really that alone on this earth? has it all excaped me some how? did i miss the fucking bus here,and now am stranded in some strange land where nothing is wright? its actualy very scary.i dont understand much of life anymore.
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